Just Start Talking: Affection Lacking, Frustration Growing

As I’m sitting down on the plane to go home, I get a call from my dear friend. “Hi!…. I love you too!,” I reply to the other end. “Okay, I will… good luck with your homework, did you do it all?” I ask her as I sit in 24 C, my seat on the flight to Minnesota for a layover that will take me home to New Mexico. “..I promise I will. Talk to you once I land. Bye my love!” and I hang up just as the flight attendants are making the announcement to turn off all electronic devices until we get to cruising altitude.

Smiling to myself, I turn of my phone, get my GRE study book out, and am readying myself to take a practice test when next to me a female’s voice asks, “was that your child you were talking to?” “Oh no!” I respond, still a bit surprised when people think I could be a mother, “it’s my good friend. She’s in law school and studying for finals.” “Oh I see, it sounded like something I would have to tell my sons. I always have to remind them to study,” she replied back. “How old are they?” I ask, expecting an age range of elementary to high school. “Oh, they’re in their twenties. They both hate school but their trying. I don’t know if they’ll ever really succeed at anything.” And this was the beginning of a two hour long, in-flight conversation with Debbie about her sons, her marriage, and her frustrations about the three main men in her life.

Debbie was from British Colombia but was flying home from New York City on a week long trip with four girlfriends. She started by telling me how amazing the trip was which led to thankfulness that her husband had not come along. “He’s a good man,” she told me, “but it would have been a much different trip.” Debbie worked in a customer service job in British Colombia (aka Canada) and had been married for almost thirty years. She had two boys, both in their twenties, who she freely complained about. “My boys try, but they were both in special education classes growing up. It’s like they can’t stay focused. My youngest went to school just to see how bad he could do.” I told Debbie that I was a special education teacher and I understood that school was difficult for those who’s mind’s work a bit differently. While she readily agreed, her frustration for how her boys turned out was evident.

After talking a bit more about school systems and special education, Debbie shared with me the news that her son had been engaged. When I asked about the fiancé, she responded, “She’s nice, but I don’t really know her. They’ve been dating for four years but he doesn’t like her to hang out with our family.” I asked if that bothered her and she said it did but explained that their family was not really warm and outwardly loving, “My son would never give me a hug or tell me he missed me. We’re just not like that.” I couldn’t help showing my surprise for this is very much the opposite of how I was raised. “Doesn’t that hurt you?” I had to ask. “It does but it comes from a decision I made when I married my husband. He has never been warm like that and I had a feeling my boys would turn out the same. You make a choice and you deal with it, I guess.” …I guess…though I couldn’t help prying a bit more. “So is that the secret to a long marriage? Full acceptance?” I asked. “I guess it is, though if I had to do it again, I might have chosen differently,” she said calmly.

After another hour of small talk and Debbie telling me details from her girls’ trip to New York, I gave her my email address and bid her farewell. “Good luck with your boys!” I told her. “Yeah, all three of them!! I need it!” she responded, chuckling to herself. As I waited in the Minnesota airport for my final flight home, I thought about Debbie and her relationships with the important men in her life. I myself have had interesting relationships with men, not all of which one could call healthy. My parents got divorced almost ten years ago which made me question the idea of marriage. I have had a few loving, yet tumultuous relationships with the men in my life. And yet, even with the ups and downs these relationships have brought, they have still been based around verbal and physical love and affection. If Debbie was okay with this lack of outward love, I would commend her and go one my way. But for her, acceptance seemed to be paired with frustration. I hope to have the lasting years that Debbie has had in her marriage, but I hope that in my own life, these years will be coupled with the constant feeling of complete love that Debbie seems to lack. Thanks Debbie, both for letting me know what I want in my life and what I don’t want…. And good luck with your “boys”…

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